You made me cry and you don't even care
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
