he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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