Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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