yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to have your abortion
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
