I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
