How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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