sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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