I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
