I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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