Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
