I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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