"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?