No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..