I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
