Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
