Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
