i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
