A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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