The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
