The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
