Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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