if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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