I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
