Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
