So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
