Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
