i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
