I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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