fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
she looked like the before picture.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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