I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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