Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
