Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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