the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
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Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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