sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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