I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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