Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
