My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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