my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
