question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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