thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i now understand why vodka
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
