finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
