Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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