I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
