yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
