Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
