I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
