Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
