So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
