It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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