Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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