she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
