My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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