Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
