I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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