I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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