I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
