the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
