proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
