Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
