I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
